The Master of Self-sabotage

worcaholics: judgementdays: why is this whole website suddenly obsessed w/ cotton eyed joe Yeah...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:40:58 -0500

judgementdays:

why is this whole website suddenly obsessed w/ cotton eyed joe

Yeah like where did it come from where did it go

ratatattoo: Took 5 tabs of acid (first time doing it ever) and...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:35:13 -0500

ratatattoo:

Took 5 tabs of acid (first time doing it ever) and my friend gave me a bunch of acrylic paint. Painted it with my fingers tripping out of my mind. Also I’m colorblind, and don’t work with abstract work at all (I only have ever done drawing). Thought this was pretty wacky.

holy shit

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Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:33:28 -0500

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Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:31:36 -0500

Model of South Sudanese origin Nykhor photographed by Kasia...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:28:47 -0500

Model of South Sudanese origin Nykhor photographed by Kasia Bielska for an editorial titled Nykhor in Bloom printed in the #7 June 2013 issue of The Lab Magazine.

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 14:20:32 -0500

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 14:06:29 -0500

I hate my entire life. You know how I was talking about that “staircase of self-worth”...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 13:51:20 -0500

I hate my entire life. You know how I was talking about that “staircase of self-worth” bullshit the other day? Well I must be walking up it wearing a shirt that says “I don’t deserve to feel good about myself, shove me down these stairs.”

That entire metaphor was a subconscious effort to make me feel better about myself and my situation. But now I’m just adding on little amendments to rationalize why I really can’t be happy with myself.

It would help if I didn’t get shit on for every single little thing I do. But that’s an external force I don’t have control over. And it’s not just the way I perceive my situation, I really do get nagged at and micro-managed and judged and sometimes outright ripped apart for every single decision I make. My mother laid into me this morning about how I lack common sense and how irresponsible with money I am because I wanted to use more paper towels than she thought was necessary to microwave some goddamn bacon. Then she told me exactly how I am “allowed” to cook things in the microwave. And when I deigned to show my annoyance, she finds fault in how I am (barely even) expressing my emotions. “You don’t need to stomp around the kitchen. Why are you acting so angry this morning? you have this… aura of irritation around you. Quit breathing so heavily.” quit breathing so heavily.

I don’t even get to voluntarily help someone without being referred to as a person’s “slave” or “bitch.”

People do not value me. I am not of value. People take what they need from me and then make sure they push me hard enough to make me stumble at least a couple of steps down the staircase. Or they turn around really fast and whip their hair in my face and it causes me to stumble. Or they drop something on their way up and I trip over it. Or they are falling down the stairs themselves and end up knocking me down with them. But no one ever stops to really, really make sure I’m okay. They might call out from time to time, “Hey sorry, but you’re okay down there, right? I mean, I didn’t hurt you, really. Right? Okay, cool, whatever.”

I don’t know how to fix this. How do I value myself if no one around me values me. I can’t separate the two. Why can’t I separate the two? Why can’t people just give me proper credit for what I do right, respect my decisions as an adult who is capable of logical thought processes, care enough about me to ask me what I need from them, help me and build me up and focus on my positive attributes instead of asking me what my problem is, telling me what I need to do for myself, tear me down and point out all my faults and mistakes and inadequacies. How do I get people to value me? How am I supposed to find value in myself?

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:39:50 -0500

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:39:24 -0500

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Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:38:40 -0500

fuckyeahnickiminaj: Nicki Minaj for Teen Vogue

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:36:56 -0500

fuckyeahnickiminaj:

Nicki Minaj for Teen Vogue

amoebalanding: Golden Gate Bridge

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 18:59:38 -0500

amoebalanding:

Golden Gate Bridge

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Thu, 13 Jun 2013 22:14:50 -0500

happydisolutionment replied to your photo: Maybe this is too much nail polish Now I want my...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 22:05:47 -0500

happydisolutionment replied to your photo: Maybe this is too much nail polish

Now I want my nails painted.

i’ll paint them next time we hang out!

areaofinterest: Michael Chase

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:14:11 -0500

areaofinterest:

Michael Chase

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Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:12:55 -0500

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Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:12:42 -0500

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Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:09:13 -0500

You’ll get to a point where the fear of rejection and the fear of humiliation, and the fear of...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:08:12 -0500

You’ll get to a point where the fear of rejection and the fear of humiliation, and the fear of failure will all be outweighed by a feeling of apathy. Nothing matters. Nobody matters. You’re not trying to obtain happiness. You’re not walking on a path. You’re walking up a flight of stairs, and each step is a little bit of self worth. You don’t know where the top is, but you know at the top you’re going to be the most important motherfucker that ever lived. It’s that thought that drives us upward, always reaching. I don’t know why so many mistake it for happiness searching. Probably because we’re jealous creatures, and we’re always looking up, seeing so many more people above us, people who are more self important than us, and we start to believe they are worth more than us, period. And that makes us unhappy. Why are there so many people in the world higher up than me? Why am I worth so much less than them???

We see others achievements, others boosted confidence, as a blow to our own self worth. You’re on a pretty high step, but somebody just went up ahead of you by two. Don’t you just feel like a piece of shit about it? Why did they get to move up? Why not you? What were you doing just standing there when there was an empty step above you? Yet nothing has changed for you but how you perceive yourself. So once you realize this, it starts to matter less and less where you are on the damn staircase. You could be above 5 people, but if there are 10 above you, you’re gonna feel less worthy, no matter how many miles of staircase you’ve ascended.

You’ll get to the point where you realize you’re never gonna reach the top. Then you’ll get to the point where you realize, neither is anybody else. You’re working your ass off and you don’t see where the hell it’s leading to, and there’s still ten people above you who think they’re that much better than you. So you have to make a choice. Do you stop? Sit down for a while? Turn around and go back down to the bottom? Or do you keep going, onward and upward? None of the choices make any difference really, in regard to your self worth. So which one is gonna bring you the most happiness? Take stock of your situation. What kind of shoes are you wearing? How icy are the steps? Are you carrying a bag with you? What’s in it? How heavy is it? How long you been carrying it? Can you bring yourself to leave something behind?

And perhaps, the most important question: Do you have a slinky in that bag?